


Coming Away With

by gooeyhuey



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Break Up, M/M, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:40:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22295728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gooeyhuey/pseuds/gooeyhuey
Summary: After the end of their relationship, Changbin and Felix meet to work out who gets what.
Relationships: Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 52





	Coming Away With

This was silence, Changbin aware of it then more than ever. Only the white noise of forced air from the central heating, detectable only when he listened in for it. Otherwise stillness, like death.

It was that time of day where the sun hung over the opposite side of the building, darkening the living room. That left it a bit colder than the rest of his apartment. He tugged down the sleeves of his sweater, previously rolled up.

It was strange to feel alone in the company of someone. He'd been watching Felix read for a couple of quiet minutes.

And then, "You keep the stereo?" He looked up from the notepad, pointing his head toward the audio system in question.

"I use it more. Check the next page, you get the TV." Changbin paused for a moment, allowing Felix to turn the page and confirm it for himself. "I thought it would be fair."

Felix nodded. He continued back on the page he left off and smirked. "The paper towel holder? Changbin." He didn't finish the sentence. Instead, he laughed quietly, briefly.

Changbin shrugged, though he felt defensiveness nag him, as if he had to justify being thorough. "We bought it together."

"Did we?" Felix's eyes floated, attempting to recollect.

"It was a few years ago."

Felix hummed. He tapped the notepad. "We can make this quicker. You can just keep everything in the kitchen and the bathroom."

"What are you going to do about plates and utensils? And the coffee machine is yours, I don't even use it."

"I just think it's too much to keep track of."

Frustration pressed against his temples, presenting itself as a headache. "Felix, I don't need all of these things if it's just me. Just take half of them."

Felix raised his brows for a moment, allowing a moment of silence to de-escalate. "Alright," he said finally, reaching for the pen to scribble something in the margins.

"I can help you buy some-"

At that, Felix set the notepad down on the coffee table with urgency. "I can't ask you to do that."

"I want to."

"I don't want you to," said firmly, above a neutral voice but it suggested an argument. Felix softened his tone after the fact. "It's gonna be hard."

"It's just going to get harder." That was something Changbin needed to hear just as much as a Felix.

Felix slumped, hanging over the arm of the sofa, seemingly putting more distance between them. "God, I'm being a baby about this."

Changbin nearly offered a hand, folding his arms when he realized he was tentatively moving it toward Felix. "You're not."

"No, I am." At that, Felix looked a little overwhelmed, mouth tugged into a pout, but set back into something more or less resembling a neutral expression before it got to the point of tears.

Silence again. So Changbin pulled his phone from his pocket. "I'm starting to feel a little hungry. I'll order takeout and we can take a break."

-

The odds were stacked against Changbin on this one. It was arranged through a friend of a friend, but for all intents and purposes this was a blind date and Changbin's first attempt in dating someone of the same sex. His expectations were zero.

He didn't even know what the guy looked like, only trading descriptions of their appearance through chat. Almost bitterly, Changbin thought they must've both been stupid for it to not occur to them to trade photos. But that was fine. He'd get through the date and just pretend it never happened once it was over.

He caught the green sweatshirt out of his periphery, as described. He turned, saw fawn blond hair that was black at the roots. The biggest telltale sign were the freckles. Changbin hadn't expected them to be so prominent. His breath stopped short upon looking. He felt like a schlub in the presence of Felix.

He stood and bowed, though something had been a little lost to respective customs as Felix moved in to hug him. That led to a minor collision, his head into Felix's shoulder, Felix's hands settling on an elbow and a bicep.

Both had pulled back and laughed, redoing the greeting with a bow first, and then a loose hug between them.

"Sorry. I still forget to bow sometimes." Felix smiled, and Changbin felt something within himself stir, prompting him to smile as well.

"It's alright. Hugging’s fine.”

A moment was spent looking at each other, really looking. Felix’s smile hadn’t faltered once, and as a result neither did Changbin’s. "It's nice to really meet you,” Felix said.

"You too."

What was meant to be an hour in a coffee shop turned to two. That turned to dinner when they started feeling peckish, and a walk in the park to work some of the food off. Four whole hours went by in the blink of an eye.

-

The beauty of takeout meant they were both focused on their phones instead of each other, listing off ideas for what to eat. It created necessary space from each other, from their thoughts. 

“I can go get it,” Felix offered once they’d agreed on the location.

"I should be getting it, it was my idea."

Felix made a noise, the sputter of blowing air through his lips. “It’s your apartment. I can’t just make you go.”

To think Changbin was nearly about to open his mouth and offer to grab it together, but he thought better of it once he’d given it thought. He pulled out his wallet, sliding his card up from its slot.

Felix put up a hand. “Oh, I got it.”

Changbin wouldn’t take no for an answer, putting his card directly into Felix’s hand. “If you’re going to go get it, at least let me pay for it.” 

Felix nodded. “I’ll be back, then.”

“Alright.” He watched Felix slide the card into his pocket, then get to his feet to put on his coat. All in silence, pretending to be interested in his phone whenever Felix caught him staring. 

Left alone now, he felt like he could breathe again. The notepad had been left on the coffee table. He looked over to read what had been written in the margin, but it was both in English and written with poor handwriting.

Overlooking it, the list was overwhelmingly long, unnecessarily so to the point he felt embarrassed for cataloging the towels by their color. Felix to get the red towels. Changbin to keep the brown ones. Not that he cared which color he ended up with. Not that he thought Felix cared, either.

But he thought keeping this formal, keeping this structured would make it easier. And he thought keeping things dull and arbitrary made the memories easier to disconnect. Because it wasn't just a red towel. It was a red towel Felix was wrapped in the first time he'd showered over at Changbin's house. They'd already had sex, already had seen each other naked, but Felix still had the towel held around his waist to preserve modesty. He'd been so lousy at tying it that it just fell right off repeatedly. He'd been flustered, but pretending not to be flustered. Changbin had never been more turned on in his life.

Even now, the memory of the feeling brought a small warmth to his body. The idea was to word-vomit the inventory of his household onto paper so fast, it wouldn't give him time to think about things like a red towel sliding off of Felix’s waist.

-

This levity was cloud-like, and Changbin was sure he’d never touch ground again. Yet all he was doing was watching Felix sleep, brushing back bangs that kept falling into his eyes.

He had no benchmark for this, this feeling, but he knew it by name. He never expected it to be so all encompassing, like he could summon the strength to move mountains if Felix so much as breathed the desire for it.

This time, Felix was roused when the fingers brushed his forehead. He looked up at Changbin and smiled. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing’s wrong.” With the forehead newly exposed, he bent down and placed a soft kiss. “I love you.” It was the first time he said it, yet he didn't feel nervous. It was a compulsion, said by the urging of an unconscious mind that sought to fly higher.

Felix’s expression moved, but never quite settled into one that was readable at that moment.

"Sorry for waking you up," Changbin whispered.

"No. Don't be." Felix sat up immediately, cupping Changbin's cheek in hand. "I love you too.”

And Changbin wanted to bawl upon hearing it said back to him, but he held it in. Smiled, overwhelmed. When they embraced, it generated all the magic in the universe.

-

He’d been seated when he received the text that Felix was on his way up. For a moment, he thought nothing of it, continuing to scroll through his phone. Then he remembered Felix no longer had the key and scrambled to unlock the door. Just in time, as Felix was coming up the stairs.

Felix’s ears and nose were red. He gave a soft smile as he raised the bag of takeout to hand over to Changbin. “It’s so cold out there.”

“I’ll make you a hot cup of coffee.”

“Thanks.” Felix kept his coat on for the interim, unbuttoning it on the way to the kitchen. “I’m leaving your card by your keys.”

“Alright.” Changbin tamped coffee grounds into the espresso maker. From there, it was a simple press of a button. That’s why he’d gotten it. He cared little for coffee, but it made making coffee for Felix easy. While it brewed, he turned. “You don’t have to keep the coat on. We’re still going to be doing this for a while.”

“Oh, yeah.” Felix draped his coat on the back of a dining chair. His chair, the one he’d always sat at.

Once the coffee was brewed, they determined which food carton belonged to who and took their places. Changbin set the paper towel holder down in the middle of the table when he’d picked through the takeout bag and noticed the napkins had been forgotten.

-

Changbin had just gotten out of the shower, stepping into the bedroom. Felix paused his game, his full attention on Changbin.

"Are you horny at all?”

Changbin chuckled, intent on disregarding the proposition and heading straight for his sock drawer first. "I just took a shower."

"You're just so sexy after a shower," and Felix lowered his voice to impossible depths, the kind of thing that still made Changbin’s shoulders shudder with a madness that could only be attributed to desire.

Felix brought his knees up on the bed, crawling forward as Changbin sat to get dressed. A hand squeezing his upper thigh, a kiss placed on the spot behind the neck that always made Changbin squirm. 

"You're making it really hard to say no."

"Good," Felix whispered, massaging Changbin’s stiffening cock.

Ah, hell. He didn’t have anywhere to be, anyway. Changbin turned his head to kiss Felix.

-

Felix had been playing with the paper towel holder between bites, tipping and turning it. "I think I remember now. We bought it at Dongdaemun. Two years ago?"

"Three. It was that New Year’s." 

He stopped fiddling with the paper towel holder, returning to his chopsticks. "You have a great memory. I don't know how you have the room for it all."

Changbin shrugged. "I just remember."

"I always envied that about you."

"It's not all that great," and Changbin laughed to try to make light of it, but he knew it was insincere.

"It is." Felix gestured toward him with his chopsticks, accusatory. "You’re taking it for granted.”

"I don't take it for granted." Changbin could hear his own irritation in every enunciated word.

Felix paused, his own face falling from neutral to match Changbin’s irritation. "You do."

"Well, I'm telling you that I don't." This was going nowhere. Both of them were silent for a few moments before it escalated.

"Well, I know it's not modesty," Felix finally said. And even though it was the truth, it still felt like a punch in the gut.

-

It was a frustrating habit, being followed so closely from room to room. Felix was especially talkative that day, and Changbin sought reprieve by moving throughout every room of the house. Only minutes would pass before Felix would sit in with him and join again, continuing where he left off.

Finally, he turned to Felix from his laptop. "If you wouldn't mind, can we talk about this later?"

"What's wrong?" Felix's brows furrowed.

"Nothing's wrong. Nothing has to be wrong. I just want some time to myself while I work."

"Oh." It sounded sad and Changbin felt like an asshole when he heard it. "Alright."

Changbin wanted to find him, to clear things up, to reassure Felix, but when he found himself alone in the room he was too content with the quiet to bother. Things would smooth themselves out, anyhow.

-

“It’s not like I do it to annoy you,” and Changbin didn’t know why he felt the need to be so defensive.

“I know you don’t, but it’s annoying anyway.”

“It’s what I do when I’m uncomfortable.”

“Uncomfortable,” Felix repeated. He twisted his chopsticks in his noodles. “I never understood that. I never understood how you could be uncomfortable around me.” It was still crazy how the hurt in Felix’s voice still caused an ache within himself.

“I’m not, and was never uncomfortable around you.”

“You just said you do it when you’re uncomfortable.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“Then what do you mean?”

Changbin clicked his teeth. “Is this even a big deal?”

When prompted, Felix had taken a moment. He exhaled. “No,” he admitted.

Exasperated, Changbin asked, “Then why are you making it one?”

Felix went completely quiet yet the atmosphere remained loaded and tense. So Changbin spoke to diffuse it. “Do you think this is easier for me?”

“I don’t know.” Something in Felix’s posture relented. “I don’t know what you’re thinking.”

-

He remembered when just the sight of Felix could drive him mad.

It'd been three weeks since they had sex. Prior to that, an entire month. And Changbin was frustrated, eager to jack off, yet the thought of actually satisfying his desire with Felix seemed needlessly exhausting.

It seemed like work, and eventually Felix must've felt the same, because his push for it also weakened over time to the point where they'd be back to back at their respective workstations, jerking off to porn in the same room, not even sparing a look at each other during.

They’d gotten so used to this pattern that it was no longer weird, and that was almost worse than it being uncomfortable for them.

-

Changbin balked at the opportunity. Instead, he diverted. "How's the new apartment?"

"It's fine. A little empty, of course." Felix shrugged. "It doesn't feel like home yet."

"Of course, after five years."

"Yeah." Felix set down his takeout container, not even a third of it eaten. "It's funny when you say it like that. Five years really didn't feel that long."

"The time flew by," Changbin agreed.

A paper towel was ripped off. Felix silently swore, dabbing at the corners of his eyes. "I'm sorry."

Changbin's first instinct was to go to him, but that wasn't right anymore. He folded his arms, waited it out, hoping Felix would pull through. For a minute, it looked like he would, but then his face twisted and the crying started in earnest. When it did, Felix hid his face behind the paper towel.

He couldn’t just standby. Not like this. He stood next to Felix’s seat, pulled the man into his chest as he cried. Felix clung. It still felt so natural.

Felix, muffled, "I just want to be angry with you. I feel so stupid being this upset when I-"

"I've cried over it, too,” Changbin admitted in kind, rubbing small circles into Felix’s back.

"I'm tired of crying over it."

Changbin was too. He hugged Felix a little tighter.

Felix lifted his head, looked Changbin in the eye and sniffled. "Aren't you worried we're making a mistake?"

"No. I don’t." Yes. He did. It kept him up at night, the stillness. The kind of vacuous void that let memories flood in, to a time when he thought the infatuation would never end and every time he looked at Felix would be as incredible as the last.

But looking at Felix now, he only felt exhausted. The love still in there, but in echoes, distorted by the walls they'd built between them. Changbin didn’t have the strength to dismantle them.

-

He heard it through the walls, muffled. His name mentioned. That brought him to the doorway, hidden on the other side, eavesdropping on a conversation held entirely in English. He caught every fifth sentence, but he recognized the tone of the voice.

“I don’t know, Chan,” Felix sounded despaired. “I don’t know what to do.” A sentence followed it, but Changbin couldn’t parse it. He just stayed pressed up by the wall in silence, listening, hoping to understand.

He only heard the muffled sounds of Chan’s voice on the other line before Felix responded, “I can’t do that.”

This was the sort of nausea-inducing nerves Changbin had thought was past him. Even if Chan was a mutual friend, he was always fiercely protective of Felix.

“Of course I do. But I feel so-” Changbin didn’t understand the last word said. Though he didn’t need to, heard the breaking of a shaken voice. Felix sniffled loudly.

“I’m sorry for crying.” He stopped, listened to Chan on the other end. “Later today? Yeah, I’m free. We’ll talk then.”

Sensing that was the end of the call, Changbin made himself scarce before Felix could find him concealed by the doorway.

-

“I know it’s selfish, but I’m scared. I can’t help but think what if you move on and I’m still alone.”

Changbin would be lying if he said he hadn’t feared the exact same.

“But then I think about trying to make it work, and it makes me feel so tired. Just thinking about it. It shouldn’t make me feel so tired.”

“It shouldn’t.” The tightening of the back of his throat, sting at the corner of his eyes. “I know exactly how you feel.”

They stayed like that for a time, crying in mutual, agonizing silence.

-

Changbin was in the living room on his laptop when Felix sat beside him. He tucked his legs beneath him on the couch, facing Changbin fully. “You working on something?”

That meant Felix wanted to talk. “No. Nothing important.” Changbin closed his laptop and turned his attention toward Felix. “What’s up?”

“Well.” It was drawn, Felix playing with his sleeves, meeting Changbin’s gaze but repeatedly faltering. “I get the impression that we’re still together because we’re used to it.”

They’d done this song and dance before, though worded differently, and in the interim Changbin would dismiss it. Let’s give it some time, Felix. Let’s see if the spark comes back, Felix. Let’s make it through Christmas, Felix.

If Changbin said no right then, they could subsist off the ghost of the relationship for just a little bit longer, and Felix would give in because it was more comfortable and convenient that way for the both of them. But Changbin had been preparing for this mentally for a while. “Maybe it’s time we take a break.”

It was what both of them wanted, but neither of them looked pleased to hear it said aloud.

“I’ll help you find an apartment,” Changbin started. “I can sleep on the couch if it’s any easier and-”

“You don’t have to sleep on the couch.”

They regarded each other for a moment.

"You sure about this?" Felix asked.

Changbin's gut instinct was telling him no. "Yeah, I'm sure."

Felix sucked in a breath. "I am too."

-

This was his fifth first date since the split, and after striking out as much as he had, his expectations were set remarkably low. That seemed to work for him. He had yet to come from a date disappointed, only relieved that it was over.

Her name was Soojin, a little older than Changbin. He couldn't help but feel like she was out of his league with her coy beauty, but she kept laughing at his jokes and that made him feel good.

The cafe was full. They were seated at the end of a large table across from each other. Her body language was open and inviting. Strange, the things he could pick up on when he wasn't nervous.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he jumped when someone tapped his shoulder. He looked behind him, the absolute surreal sight of Felix smiling shyly with a man close in tow. Tall, thin and pretty, everything that Changbin wasn't. He would've laughed if he wasn't so stunned.

"Hey, Changbin,” and his voice was soft, but so clear even among the crowd of patrons. “Do you mind if we sit here? It's a little packed."

"Oh, uh-"

Though Soojin had chimed in, gesturing to the free seats on either side of them. "It's no problem! Sit down! You're Changbin's friends?"

Felix had laughed a little at that, though it was curt and awkward. "We go back." He gestured across to himself, where his date had taken a seat beside Soojin. "This is Hyunjin. He's my date."

"Oh.” She recovered remarkably well from the news. If things worked out with her, Changbin humorously wondered what her reaction would be if she ever got the chance to hear about Felix. "I'm Soojin."

Handshakes and bows of the head were exchanged, along with polite greetings.

That led to a round of conversation, and even with everything behind them, having Felix around was a presence that brought calm, that raised his spirits. He was laughing a little more easily, and Soojin's generous laughter sounded brighter to him.

Her phone chimed. She glanced at it, reached out and squeezed Changbin’s hand lightly. "I'm getting a call from work. I'm so sorry, just give me a few minutes, okay?"

"Of course.” Changbin nodded the go-ahead.

Hyunjin raised his brows at this, meeting eyes with Felix for a suspiciously long moment. "I gotta use the bathroom."

That left just the two of them, side by side. Even with the goings on around them, everything felt remarkably still.

"So, Hyunjin,” Changbin started. “He's good looking. How long have you been together?"

"About three weeks.” Felix raised his hand a bit, counting down with his fingers. “This is our fourth date. You and Soojin?"

"It's our first date. Just meeting her today, too."

"I’ll be honest.” Felix made a short laugh that Changbin suspected was humorless. “I completely forgot you also like women.”

Changbin smirked. "Did that surprise you?"

"It did."

Changbin broke into a wider smile, nudging Felix lightly by the shoulder. "You're not jealous, are you?"

“I’m not the only one. The look on your face when you saw Hyunjin.” At that, both had laughed a little more comfortably, and the stillness slowly ebbed away, the cafe suddenly feeling as lively as it should've

"Hyunjin is seriously good looking. You two match well."

"You and Soojin, too. You look good together.”

"You don't think she's out of my league?"

"No, but-” Felix broke into a toothy smile. “I am biased.”

Changbin fiddled with his teacup on the little saucer, reminded of an airy levity that he’d nearly forgotten. "I missed you a lot, you know."

Felix nodded. "I missed you too. I thought about calling or messaging but- well, you know."

"Yeah. I know.” 

When Felix laughed, there was something incredulous weaved within the sound. "Especially the first few months. God."

"Couldn't sleep, right?"

"Barely. But I'd just look at the phone, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't call you. Even if it meant not sleeping."

"I don't know what I would've done if you'd called."

"Me neither."

Changbin looked to where the restrooms were. "Hyunjin's not back yet?"

"He knows about us,” Felix admitted. “I think he wanted to give us time to talk. Look out the window.” He nodded in gesture.

Changbin looked behind him and there Hyunjin was, miming a phone call and repeatedly glancing at Soojin. "Oh.” That was the moment Changbin decided he approved of Hyunjin.

Felix brought the attention back to their conversation by clearing his throat. "It's awkward, isn't it?"

"A little bit,” Changbing agreed. “But it's not so bad."

"It's not."

"You feel like we made the right choice?"

Felix hummed. "I asked myself that a lot, but the one thing that cemented it for me was at its worst, there were times when I felt lonelier around you than when I was alone. It got a lot easier after I realized that. So, yes. To answer your question. I think we did."

"I felt like," Changbin breathed. "I'm sorry. I felt like I had space again."

"You don't have to apologize. We just weren't," Felix had paused for a long time.

“Meant to be?"

"Yeah. We weren't meant to be. But I'm still glad we went through it and I'm glad I went through it with you. I was worried I'd come out of it feeling like I wasted five years."

"Right? But it doesn't feel that way at all."

Felix, who had his eye on the door, nodded toward the window again "Soojin's coming back in."

She’d taken her seat, a squeeze on Changbin’s shoulder on the way in. “I’m sorry that took so long. Were you guys catching up in the meantime?”

Changbin smiled, looked over to Felix to see he was smiling back. Finally, he turned back to Soojin who brightened when she saw Changbin’s smile. “Yeah. We were.”

“Oh, a table freed up,” Felix announced once another couple had left a spot vacant. “I don’t want to keep you guys from enjoying your date. Soojin, it was nice meeting you. Changbin, nice seeing you again.” He patted Changbin’s shoulder, calling for Hyunjin to sit at the new table as the other was just walking back in.

“He seems nice,” Soojin commented.

“He is, but we’ll talk about Felix another time.” It’d been a long time since it felt this natural, felt this comfortable. It’d been a long time since he felt these pleasant nerves urging his fingers forward toward her hand, brushing their fingers together. “You still haven’t told me about what you do for work.”

**Author's Note:**

> it's really more about the contrast of being crazy about someone and getting tired of them, but coming away with meaning from both sides of the experience. it's self indulgent, mostly. what can i say? i like mundane drama


End file.
